Searching

“I did things I did not understand for reasons I could not begin to explain just to be in motion, to be trying to do something, change something in a world I wanted desperately to make over but could not imagine for myself.” 

Dorothy Allison, Trash: Stories

Lately, I’ve been absorbed in books. In them I’ve found some very good teachers.

There’s a problem with all this, though. It’s very difficult to read and write at the same time. Through a haze of guilt, I felt it was more important for me to continue to read.

I found the more I read the more I felt I was piecing together parts of a mystery novel. Bit by bit I was beginning to gain insight and figure things out. The interesting thing–unlike those other page turning thrillers I’d read, the enigma at the center of this story was me.

As I read I began to see ways I could begin to solve the unknowns in my life. From past work I knew it would take patience. From a very young age, I’d mastered the skill of creative busyness. It was the way I escaped so I could block out and not question what was happening in my small world.

As I whirled through my life, years and years of life events I found too painful or confusing were simply filed away for later. As long as I stayed busy, they stayed in their little files.

Now I am no longer busy enough to keep those files stacked up and safely closed. Little mental nudges caused the stacks to slide and all those carefully filed pages began to spill out. My filing system was failing. I knew I could not refile it all. I also understood in order to live my life fully I’d have to confront my past–file by file.

This year of awareness is showing me life lessons don’t always come in order.

Maybe I’ve needed my own adult experiences to help guide my journey back. Maybe I needed to have the maturity to understand so I won’t get caught up in making judgements. Maybe I needed to fight all the battles I’ve fought so I realize I have the courage to move through my doubts and fears.

Maybe I needed to know–really know–I was ready.

“We can be walking around in this world, with bits and pieces of our souls scattered in different time loops and space cracks. You feel like you are always looking for yourself, because you actually are always looking for yourself! You’re always looking for those bits and pieces of you. You’ve got to sit down and remember where you left them at. You’ve got to quiet the noise and go back to those loops in time and cracks in space that you forgot about and you need to understand yourself in those moments, and embrace yourself. And maybe even embrace those who were around you, with you. That’s how you get those pieces back, that’s how you sew them back into you.” 

C. JoyBell C.

I am..

B…simply being.

~Peace~

Thank you, Kimberlee Salimeno, for letting me use your beautiful photo. I love and cherish you. 

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