Searching

“I did things I did not understand for reasons I could not begin to explain just to be in motion, to be trying to do something, change something in a world I wanted desperately to make over but could not imagine for myself.” 

Dorothy Allison, Trash: Stories

Lately, I’ve been absorbed in books. In them I’ve found some very good teachers.

There’s a problem with all this, though. It’s very difficult to read and write at the same time. Through a haze of guilt, I felt it was more important for me to continue to read.

I found the more I read the more I felt I was piecing together parts of a mystery novel. Bit by bit I was beginning to gain insight and figure things out. The interesting thing–unlike those other page turning thrillers I’d read, the enigma at the center of this story was me.

As I read I began to see ways I could begin to solve the unknowns in my life. From past work I knew it would take patience. From a very young age, I’d mastered the skill of creative busyness. It was the way I escaped so I could block out and not question what was happening in my small world.

As I whirled through my life, years and years of life events I found too painful or confusing were simply filed away for later. As long as I stayed busy, they stayed in their little files.

Now I am no longer busy enough to keep those files stacked up and safely closed. Little mental nudges caused the stacks to slide and all those carefully filed pages began to spill out. My filing system was failing. I knew I could not refile it all. I also understood in order to live my life fully I’d have to confront my past–file by file.

This year of awareness is showing me life lessons don’t always come in order.

Maybe I’ve needed my own adult experiences to help guide my journey back. Maybe I needed to have the maturity to understand so I won’t get caught up in making judgements. Maybe I needed to fight all the battles I’ve fought so I realize I have the courage to move through my doubts and fears.

Maybe I needed to know–really know–I was ready.

“We can be walking around in this world, with bits and pieces of our souls scattered in different time loops and space cracks. You feel like you are always looking for yourself, because you actually are always looking for yourself! You’re always looking for those bits and pieces of you. You’ve got to sit down and remember where you left them at. You’ve got to quiet the noise and go back to those loops in time and cracks in space that you forgot about and you need to understand yourself in those moments, and embrace yourself. And maybe even embrace those who were around you, with you. That’s how you get those pieces back, that’s how you sew them back into you.” 

C. JoyBell C.

I am..

B…simply being.

~Peace~

Thank you, Kimberlee Salimeno, for letting me use your beautiful photo. I love and cherish you. 

Strength

“The many great gardens of the world, of literature and poetry, of painting and music, of religion and architecture, all make the point as clear as possible: The soul cannot thrive in the absence of a garden. If you don’t want paradise, you are not human; and if you are not human, you don’t have a soul.” 

Sir Thomas More

What a joy it is to get the gardens cleaned up and replanted.

I learned last year to give new plants room to grow–less really can mean more in certain situations–allow room for growth.

I’ve been surprised by the encouragement I’ve felt from the plants I’ve discovered hidden under the mulch while clearing out leaves and dried plants. Under it all I’ve found little sprigs of green that’d survived the winter as well as the late spring frosts.

What a wonderful gift–to see how these fragile little flowers withstood unexpected hardship, held strong, and continued to rise onward and upward.

I am grateful for the gifts Mother Nature showers upon me–each new leaf and tiny bud finds a way to soothe my heart.

“Faeries are known to be tenders of plants and energizing inhabitants of gardens. They are more elusive than Angels and often have lively, mercurial temperaments. They are active in preserving what little wilderness remains on the Earth.” 

Elizabeth Eiler, Swift and Brave: Sacred Souls of Animals

I am…

B…simply being.

~Peace~

 

Another Beginning

Today is the start of my new blog. I am very far from understanding all the ins and outs of WordPress–I’m not sure but I think I may have already posted a blank page! The one thing I do know for sure is if I don’t get started, I will continue to find ways to delay this first post.

Years ago I started writing a blog as a way to escape some of the stress I had in my daily life. Now, I am writing to share my life and the lessons I have learned along the way. I have learned that trying to escape something never really works–at least not for very long. Which may explain the failure of my first blog.

I retired from my life long career in medical imaging nearly two years ago. I have used this time to listen to my heart. I came to realize that I needed to find myself. Who was I? Why was I here? Was my purpose now complete or was there more ahead for me in this new world filled with what seemed to be unlimited time and new freedoms?

I started to search for my soul–the me that was always on the bottom of the never-ending “to do” list. I had this nagging thought–maybe I was always busy so I never had to really think about things. I began to realize that I had been what a friend used to call a “human doing” not a “human being.”

I made some discoveries than led me down some dark and scary roads.  Some paths were to difficult for me and I had to take the fastest detour out–at least for a while. Some were just deadend roads. Others opened up into amazing places filled with wonderful memories. I hope to share them all.

Like me, this blog is still under construction. I’ll figure things out along the way. As I learn I will continue my soul searching and share with you what I discover along the way.

I am

B…simply being…

Peace.