Posts

Posted on

A Daily Gift

A woman or man of value doesn’t love you because of what he or she wants you to be or do for them. He or she loves you because your combined souls understand one another, complements each other, and make sense above any other person in this world. You each share a part of their soul’s mirror and see each other’s light reflected in it clearly. You can easily speak from the heart and feel safe doing so. Both of you have been traveling a parallel road your entire life. Without each other’s presence, you feel like an old friend or family member was lost. It bothers you, not because you have given it too much meaning, but because God did. This is the type of person you don’t have to fight for because you can’t get rid of them and your heart doesn’t want them to leave anyways.” 

― Shannon L. Alder

I’ve been thinking about my friends these past few days.

Getting older is not easy. I think in order to balance that out, God gave us the gift of friendship. If you’re lucky, you’ve been blessed with lifelong friends.

For the past nine months I’ve started my day with morning chats. These texts began early last summer as a way to stay in close contact with a friend going through some tough times. It didn’t take long to realize I could reach out to others. These texts continue to grow becoming a very important part of my daily routine.

I have been blessed with a wonderful group of friends. I get to “talk” with many of them every morning, reaching out whenever I have time. There’s no interruption to anyone’s busy day and they can respond whenever it works for them. It’s a daily gift for all of us.

Try yourself this weekend. Set aside a few minutes to reach out to those you love. It will warm your heart and may be what everyone needs to brighten these gloomy wintry days.

A friend is more than a therapist or confessor, even though a friend can sometimes heal us and offer us God’s forgiveness. A friend is that other person with whom we can share our solitude, our silence, and our prayer. A friend is that other person with whom we can look at a tree and say, “Isn’t that beautiful,” or sit on the beach and silently watch the sun disappear under the horizon. With a friend we don’t have to say or do something special. With a friend we can be still and know that God is there with both of us.” 

― Henri J.M. Nouwen

I am…

B…simply being…

~Peace~

 

 

Posted on

Recharging

“Each wave that rolls onto the shore must release back to the ocean. You are the same. Each wave of action you take must release back to the peace within you. Stress is what happens when you resist this natural process. Everyone needs breaks. Denying this necessity does not remove it. Let yourself go. Realize that, sometimes, the best thing to do is absolutely nothing.” 

― Vironika Tugaleva

Today became a day to linger over coffee, watch wildlife, and take it easy.

I had some great visitors.

The little brown-eyed doe I wrote about a few weeks ago is still visiting us. Her front leg has stabilized and she is putting some weight on it as she makes her way across the fields. She keeps up with the rest of her herd and runs like nothing ever happened to her. She is an amazing example of determination.

The traditional bird house had two different birds putting a bid in for it today. A little wren and a titmouse had a rather serious discussion about who had first rights on the new little abode. The last time I checked it appeared the very vocal little wren had won.

Two yellow finches, a male and female, found the thistle seed. Made me wonder if they would find the little Hobbit bird house.

It was a restful, peace-filled day with Mother Nature entertaining me and recharging my spirit. I am blessed and grateful.

“Authenticity is not the search for uniqueness. An oak tree does not try to become an oak tree. A cactus does not try to become a cactus. All living things simply reach for nourishment – they reach for sun, reach for water, reach their roots deeper into the ground. By being open to receiving what they need, they become unique effortlessly. So let yourself fall open. Forget about crafting yourself a unique personality. Just allow. Allow in love. Allow pain. Allow desire. Allow learning. Allow healing. Allow frustration. Allow uncertainty. Allow yourself to experience what you must experience and learn what you need to learn, so that your uniqueness can emerge organically.” 

― Vironika Tugaleva

I am…

B…simply being…

~Peace~

Posted on

Hindsight

Pay attention to your patterns. 

The ways you learned to survive may

not be the ways you want to continue 

to live.

Heal and shift.

~Unknown

Hindsight–sometimes the view is a difficult one.

I’m learning as I journal and journey through my past, some of the biggest insights come from the smallest things–things I’d missed or things I was not ready to see.

It takes time and persistence.

There are days when I have to hit pause and let things sit in my head for a while.

Remind myself I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.

Oh, so many lessons to learn. It’s a good thing I have a very patient soul.

 

A Prayer for Living Up to the Best in Our Souls

You have blessed me with many gifts, God, but I know it is my task to realize them. May I never underestimate my potential; may I never lose hope. May I find the strength to strive for better, the courage to be different, the energy to give all that I have to offer. Help me, God, to live up to all the goodness that resides within me. Fill me with the humility to learn from others and with the confidence to trust my own instincts. Thank You, God, for the power to grow. Amen.

Levy, Naomi. Talking to God: Personal Prayers for Times of Joy, Sadness, Struggle, and Celebration 

I am…

B..simply being…

~Peace~

Today I am so grateful to Jo Heiple Thedens for allowing me to use another one of her wonderful photos. Your art nourishes my Iowa roots. Thank you.

 

Posted on

Foundations

“Your inner strength is your outer foundation” 

― Allan Rufus

Haven’t we all looked back on something in our past and wondered why in the world we did what we did? Just what was my motivation?

I’ve been doing a lot of questioning lately which made me think of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs theory.

It’d been a long time since I’d really thought about any of that and honestly, I’d never ever looked at it while examining certain parts of my past.

Remembering the first level of the pyramid was pretty easy because it’s so basic. At the physiological level we all work to meet our basic needs. Until our needs for good air to breathe, food to eat, water to drink, and enough sleep are met, we cannot move onto satisfying our other needs. Once those needs are successfully met, we are ready to move onward and upward.

Safety is the next level and the second of the two levels designated as the basic needs.  After we have food and water, we can begin working on finding a home, a job, and ensuring good health.

Level three in the hierarchy is love or our social needs level. After establishing a safe haven we’re ready for friends and finding a place where we belong. It is at this stage when we feel the need to be part of a group, are open to accepting others, and accept being part of that group.

Esteem is word for level four or the level of respect. At this level we acquire a sense of self and the awareness of self achievement. At this stage we are gain the ability to respect others and ourselves.

Level five is the level of full potential. The words Maslow used to describe this level were self actualization–words that sound so strong to me. It is at this level where we reach peace. We are relaxed and accept ourselves for what we are and no longer care what others think of us. We feel safe and secure enough to be truly creative.

After reviewing the five levels, I had a better understanding of what my motivations were during certain times in my past. It was easier for me to appreciate why my world became so unstable when my mom died, after my divorce, or during those first months after I relocated to Colorado and why it took so long to recover.

My reading served as a constructive review as well as a gentle reminder knowledge mixed with a little time is a very powerful thing.

“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”

~Maya Angelou

I am…

B…simply being…

~Peace and knowledge to all~

 

 

Posted on

Youth Dew

“Songs and smells will bring you back to a moment in time more than anything else. It’s amazing how much can be conjured with a few notes of a song or a solitary whiff of a room. A song you didn’t even pay attention to at the time, a place that you didn’t even know had a particular smell.” 

― Emily Giffin, Something Borrowed

Encouragement can come in strange shapes and forms.

I went to a program at the library this morning. I fell into line behind the other late arrivals. As the woman in front of me passed through the automatic door the air currents caught her perfume and floated it into my path.

Estee Lauder’s Youth Dew–I’d know that signature scent anywhere. The second it made contact with my olfactory senses, I saw the face and heard the voice of my Aunt Eve.

Interesting this childhood memory would pop so vividly into my Friday. What a spiritual boost for me and for my work.

I smiled.

I could see my family sitting around the dining room table in Heaven asking each other who they should send to encourage me and boost my spirits. Silly question because they’d all know who to send. That choice would have taken less than a millisecond. They knew Aunt Eve had a special spot in my heart and we had some history. As usual, in short order and in a style all her own, she got her message across loud and clear.

Thanks. I love and miss Y’all.

The gift of encouragement

Should be given each day–

Pass it out freely

And in gentle ways.

There’s no  need for ribbons

To make it look grand–

Just the simple encouragement

Of a kind, helping hand. 

~Joan Stephen~

I am…

B…simply being…

~Peace~

Posted on

Perhaps…

“Perhaps it is at best difficult, at worst, impossible for children and parents to be adults together. But I would love to know that.”

~Anna Quindlen, Absence Makes the Heart Grow Curious~

I’ve been working my way into Hope Edelman’s book, Motherless Daughters, like it’s part of my Master’s thesis or some other rite of passage.

Maybe it is.

I have to concede–it won’t be a quick read nor will it won’t be an easy read.

For sure–it will be an emotional read.

My heart tells me there are other women out there in need of the validation I’m finding in this book after just the first few pages. Along with me, they need to know they’re not alone in the quest in coming to terms with their past.

I’ve started this book so many times before.

It was easy to see where I’d stopped in the past. I just needed to look for the spot where all the yellow highlighting stopped.

My goal yesterday was to get to that spot–I almost got there.

The surprising part was what caught my attention now I’m older compared to what I’d highlighted years ago. Yes–it was years ago.

Yesterday different passages caught my eye and held my attention. Because I’ve had more life experiences that color my perception, what I’d highlighted before seemed insignificant to me while other words jumped off the page.

The first few pages of the book contained letters written to the author, Hope Edelman. Each letter tells a personal story about the loss of that woman’s mother. These letters held different message for me and each seemed to gently encouraging me onward.

Some of the feelings that resonated with me:

  • They thought that they would die at the same age as their mother.
  • No one talked about their mother after she died. This lack of communication made them minimize their own memories of their mom and the pain they felt in the loss of her.
  • They never had the chance to know their mother as an adult. They never were able to relate to her on an adult level.
  • Many felt guilt for carrying around their grief for so many years.
  • Many felt they had no peers to talk to about their feelings and experiences at the time of their mother’s death.
  • Living a life time of grieving made them strong because they had to be strong. Their mother was not there to help them.
  • Ultimately, the loss of their mother resulted in a general feeling of hopelessness and chronic melancholy they carried with them throughout their lives.

I didn’t make it far but I did make it through the first few pages comprehending what I’d read. I’d certainly cried but I was functional.

I also knew in order to continue moving forward, I’d need to give my heart and soul a rest. I closed the book, put my notes down, and allowed my brain time to process what I’d read.

Those of you who have walked this path understand. Those of you who have not–will–eventually.

I’d heard Timothy Shriver talk about how the Kennedy family never talked about the tragedies that’d struck his family. In the Kennedy family it was an unspoken understanding you just moved on.

Interesting.

Hearing that made me feel okay–more normal–kinda.

Honestly, didn’t we Irish Catholics think the Kennedys were the Gold Standard for what was normal and acceptable?  Wasn’t this an example of the ultimate “What will the neighbors think?” type reaction?

So…

It was okay I’d all buried my questions along my feelings and moved uneasily on.

I think in the back of my mind the questions and the unease never went away. They’d been biding their time, waiting for me to grow strong enough to stay on course learn what I needed to learn in order to move on–peacefully and in grace.

“In that first year we continued on with the routines of schoolwork, vacations, and bimonthly haircuts as if a central family member were so dispensable that her absence required only minor reshuffling of household chores. Anger, guilt, sadness, grief–all emotions were suppressed, shooting out like brief bullets only when we couldn’t contain them anymore.” ~ Hope Edelman, Motherless Daughters~

I am…

B…simply being…

~Peace~

 

 

 

 

Posted on

A Little Sprig of Spring

“Spring passes and one remembers one’s innocence.

Summer passes and one remembers one’s exuberance.

Autumn passes and one remembers one’s reverence.

Winter passes and one remembers one’s perseverance.” 

― Yoko Ono

There are several pairs of wrens in our backyard who entertain us daily. Their chatter and busyness warms our hearts and gives us hope Spring is not that far away.  I thought I’d share a picture of their new home today for all my friends fighting sub-zero temperatures.

We are very fortunate when you compare our temperatures to those in the Midwest. Oh, I remember those bitterly cold days, covering our faces with scarves so our noses wouldn’t freeze shut and we could breathe through your mouths without making our chests feel like they’d explode from the extreme cold.

One memory stands out from the rest.

It had snowed and the temperature was well below zero. Because of that, we had a snow day. I’d asked to go to a friends and told I could go after shoveling the walk and driveway. Done. I was on my way. There was only way for me to get there–I’d have to walk. Not at all appealing but I was motivated. I’d already set a plan in motion to meet my boyfriend along the way.

There was a problem. I’d worn my only hat to shovel. Now it was not only ugly but wet. There was NO way I was going anywhere with that on my head. Plus, who wanted hat hair? After thinking it over for about ten-seconds, I figured I’d be fine. I wouldn’t be gone that long and I’d be okay–and way cuter without the dumb hat.

Amazing to me how well all our little plans came together without the help of cell phones. Without a dozen calls or texting we found each other just fine. For an hour or so we talked and walked through the fresh snow. The excitement of the new relationship dulled my senses to the increasing pain in my ears. Eventually the light began to fade and it was time to head home.

Once I was alone, I began to realize I couldn’t feel my ears. I’d always spent a lot of time outside but never felt anything like this. I began to warm up and my ears began to tingle–like they were asleep. I put my hands up to see if they were warming up and realized they were not just warm but on fire and had swollen to twice their size. As I pulled my hands away I could see that they were an odd color and immobile–hard as rocks.

I had no idea what frost bite really was but I knew I’d gotten myself into quite a fix. I had no idea what to do. Luckily my long-ish bob style hair cut covered my ever-expanding ears. It would be hard for me to explain how my ears had gotten in such shape from being at my friend’s house for the afternoon.

By the grace of God, my ears recovered–eventually. I had a few days of incredible pain as they morphed back to something closer to normal. It could have turned out so much worse.

This was one my first lessons where common sense is pitted against my stubbornness. This lesson remains one

I’m given often and one I continue to struggle to learn. Throw a little vanity into the equation and the odds of successful lesson completion do not swing in my favor.

Learn from me, my friends. Stay safe and warm in these extreme weather conditions.

“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.”

― Anne Bradstreet, The Works of Anne Bradstreet

I am…

B…simply being…

~Peace~

 

 

Posted on

First Job

“First job:Be older sister

Second job:Cope with first job

Third job:Get annoyed with jobs.” 

― TB.Jane

Since I wrote about first borns, I could not get the picture I used in that story out of my mind. This picture is such a great example of our three personalities. My sister, Beth, the middle child, is the curly haired pixie on the left. My sister, Sue, the youngest, is the wide-eyed cutie on the right.

According to Natalle Lorenzi in the online Parents magazine article, How Birth Order Shapes Personality, the middle child is the opposite of the first born which happens because that role is already filled. The middle child will find another way to distinguish themselves. The traits the middle child develops is in direct response to the next oldest in the family. This makes the personalities of middle children difficult to pinpoint. Ingela Ratledge in a Real Simple article on birth order and personality traits, describes the middle child as a social butterfly, a peacekeeper, and fairness obsessed.

In our family, this describes Beth very well. She was by far the happiest kid around. Regardless of what was going on she found ways to roll with the flow. Her light heartedness enabled her to diffuse some of the heated arguments between the oldest, me, and the baby, Sue. She was all about being fair and was an expert when it came to compromise. Her ability to stay neutral carried into our adult lives and is certainly sorely missed.

For many reasons, my youngest sister, Sue, had a childhood with fewer rules, which is typical for the youngest child. Due to family issues, as Sue grew older our home rules became much more lenient if there were rules at all. This freedom definitely opened the world to Sue and allowed her to be a more care free person. When it came to risk taking, she was the winner, hands down.

There are several things that can throw off birth order. According to Dr. Frank Salloway, PhD., genetics affects personality development but half of our personality it due to the temperament we are born with–where we fall in the family order. The first born is expected to excel at whatever it is the family prizes. If the first born does not assume that role, it goes up for grabs.

Gender is also important in family role assignments. Dr. Alan E. Stewart gives the example of the first born being male and assuming the typical first born role. The second born is a girl. She does not need to create a new niche like a second born boy would which creates the possibility of two first borns. In large families with a lone girl or boy the “exotic” role enables that child to escape the position they were born into and move into the position of choice.

Physicality plays a role in role assignment. Dr. Kevin Leman, Birth Order Book, tells us that age and size often go together. Older kids boss around younger kids except when there is a very small oldest child or a very outgoing middle or youngest child. In those cases the dynamic can flip-flop.

When one child is “special” a change in the typical dynamic can change. That star figure skater or violin prodigy gets the prime treatment and pressure usually assigned to the first born. For that chosen one, according to Dr. Leman, being special will negate birth order and the other children will adjust their roles.

If children are close in age there will be more competition. One to two years age difference in the same gender children will create more conflict meaning more stress for the parents. In this case, the second child may overtake the first born role by being stronger and faster. A three or four year separation is called the sweet spot. These children are close in age but far enough apart they can establish their own identity. An age span of five years or more is like hitting the reset button–the roles already established do not change. A second child born ten years after the first born will take on the first born role or the only child role–a role described as a “super first born” personality. For large families, family counselor, Shai Lagarde, tells us birth order recycles after the fourth child.

What about the only child? Dr. Lehman states that only children are “super first borns.” They are confident, well spoken, pay attention to detail and do well in school. They act like little adults. Because they only have adults as role models, they are even more susceptible to perfectionism.

The few articles I found gave me some great insight into my family, friends, and co-workers.  It was fun to read the people who were also first born–Barack Obama, Oprah, Hillary Clinton, Penelope Cruz, and Kate Middleton. For you middle children, the list of other middles include–Martin Luther King, Princess Diana, and Bill Gates. Interesting, Donald Trump is a middle child. His older brother did not fulfill the role of fist born so Mr. Trump is an excellent example of a middle child rising to the first born position and personality type. You babies of the family, other youngest children include–Rosie O’Donnell, Paula Abdul, and Cameron Diaz. Finally, for you only children, other “super first borns” are–Natalie Portman, Tiger Woods, Alicia Keys, and Jada Pinkett Smith.

Isn’t it something–how we all come from such different backgrounds but we are all so much alike?

I’m thinking there’s a lesson here.

“Nobody could hold the same place in your heart as your sister. Love or hate her, she was the only person who grew up exactly like you, who knew the secrets of your household—the laughter that only the walls of your house contained or the screaming at a level low enough the neighbors couldn’t hear, the passive aggressive compliments or the little put-downs. Only your sister could know how it felt to grow up in the house that made you you.” 

― Jessica Taylor, A Map for Wrecked Girls

I am…

B…simply being…

~Peace~

 

 

 

Posted on

Lighten Up

You have a unique gift to offer this world. Be true to yourself, be kind to yourself, read and learn about everything that interests you and keep away from people who bring you down. When you treat yourself kindly and respect the uniqueness of those around you, you will be giving this world an amazing gift… YOU!” 

― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

It’s been great hearing from other first borns since I posted my story yesterday. We certainly share many of the traits I mentioned as well as a lot of guilt. We do take charge and set very high expectations for ourselves. Perfectionism is a hard taskmaster and failure is not an option. Being kind to ourselves is foreign to us and something we have to work hard to learn.

It’s going to take time. With a little patience and help from each other, I think we can learn how to live a more balanced life and “lighten-up.”

May Rabbi Levy’s prayer help us all.

A Prayer When We Are Too Hard on Ourselves  

Teach me how to love myself, God. I am so critical of myself. I set such high standards for myself. I accept shortcomings in others, but I am so unforgiving of myself. Help me, God. Teach me how to enjoy my life. Remind me to be kind to myself. Show me how to embrace the person I am. Lead me to appreciate all the miracles that surround me each day. Soften my heart, God; open my eyes. Fill me with the capacity to treasure my life. Thank You, God, for creating me as I am. Amen.

Levy, Naomi. Talking to God: Personal Prayers for Times of Joy, Sadness, Struggle, and Celebration 

I am…

B…simply being…

~Peace~

 

 

Posted on

First Born

To our First Born

First born children are full of grace. God grants to them a special place. They with deep thoughts and loving heart. Give of their best from the very start. Because you make your parents smile. We’re proud of you, our first born child.  Perry Tankelsey

I’m sure it’s no surprise I am the oldest child in my family.

Yesterday I read several online articles about the characteristics of first born children. Nothing I read surprised me. What it did was confirm what I’d experienced as a child and in my professional career.

Carina Wolff describes what I would call personality types shared by first borns in her article, “7 Interesting Habits All First Born Children Have In Common.”

  • First born children tend to make friends with other first born children because they share the same traits. These kids are the leaders because they are used to taking charge at home. As if to balance out this take charge attitude, first born kids are also more conscientious.
  • First borns are more independent and have no fear of taking off on their own. Ms. Wolff felt that this was due to the parent’s focus on the younger children leaving the oldest to take care of themselves.
  • First borns are caregivers because their younger siblings looked to them for comfort, help, guidance, and protection.
  • First borns are leaders and are often the ones to take charge since this is the role they played in their families. The University of Georgia found most of the US presidents were first born as well as astronauts and CEOs.
  • First borns are hard workers because they are achievement oriented. As their younger siblings arrived, the attention was shifted from them to their siblings. In order to get attention the first borns had to work harder to make an impression.
  • First borns follow directions well and are most likely to conform because they had one-on-one parental attention without sibling competition.
  • First borns are better at picking up a second language. A study in Frontiers in Psychology found in bilingual families the oldest showed better second language skills.
  • Lastly, according to this article, first borns are less likely to take on risky behaviors and are better behaved in their teen years.

From an article in the online Parents Magazine, How Birth Order Shapes Personalities, by Natalie Lorezi, I learned about first, middle, youngest, and the only child birth orders. For today, I’m sharing information on the first born.

Ms. Lorezi cited work done by Frank Sulloway, PhD, a birth order expert and the author of, Born to Rebel. According to Dr. Sulloway personalities do not hinge on birth order but on the roles siblings take on that lead to differences in behavior. The methods used by children differed depending on the position they held in the family line-up. As each child developed their individual roles, the parents unknowingly reinforced them.

The oldest child has the parent’s undivided attention and the parents are the child’s only role models. He or she mirrors the parents behaviors, follows their lead, and takes charge. The first born likes taking charge and does so with confidence. Kevin Leman, PhD, states first borns are so confident because they don’t have older siblings making fun of them as they learn. The adults take them very seriously and encourage their progress which further boosts their confidence.

All this attention is a set up for first borns to become perfectionists. Because adults are their role models, the standards they set for themselves are unreasonably high. They watch the adults pour their milk without spilling and color within the lines. Their observations become their expectations. The first born wants to get it exactly right the first time. This unrealistic goal may prevent them from trying new things. If they try to do new things, they may make a mistake which would not be acceptable. It is this perfectionist trait that makes it hard for the first born to admit when they’re wrong.

It’s not hard to see why first born children are uptight. Their inexperienced parents were over protective as well as being strict and demanding. The parents assign the eager-to-please first born extra responsibilities which, when completed successfully, were rewarded with more privileges.

As I begin my study of me, I really had no idea where to begin. I found these articles archived in my reading list and thought it’d be a good place to start. As I read I found each article to be surprisingly helpful and enlightened me more than I expected.

While I made my notes and thought about what I’d read, I began to understand there were and are legitimate reasons why I did or didn’t do well in certain situations. This awareness gave me hope and reinforced my feeling that I was finally on the right track.

“A Prayer for Daily Insight

Open my eyes, God. Help me to perceive what I have ignored, to uncover what I have forgotten, to find what I have been searching for. Remind me that I don’t have to journey far to discover something new, for miracles surround me, blessings and holiness abound. And You are near. 

Amen.” 

― Naomi Levy, Talking to God: Personal Prayers for Times of Joy, Sadness, Struggle, and Celebration

I am…

B…simply being…

~Peace~