Category: Personal Blog

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A Moment in Time

Back Home!

If I had the power to turn back the clock,
Go Back to that house at the end of the block—
That house that was HOME when I was a kid,
I know that I’d love it more now than I did.

If I could be back there at my mother’s knee,
And hear once again all the things she told me,
I’d listen as I never listened before,
For she knew so well just what life had in store.

And all the advice my dad use to give,
His voice I’ll remember as long as I live;
But it didn’t seem really important then;
What I’d give just to live it all over again.

And what I’d give for the chance I once had,
To do so much more for my mother and dad;
To give them more joy and a little less pain;
A little more sunshine—a little less rain.

But the years roll on and we cannot go back,
Whether we were born in a mansion or in a shack;
But we can start right now—in the hour that’s here,
Tod do something more for the ones we hold dear.
~Author Unknown~

This poem was posted on Facebook a few days ago. As I read it, the words tugged at my heart, pulling up old memories. I didn’t know how I’d use it, but I knew I needed to tuck it away and share it in one of my stories.

I was going through old photos in search of a picture that matched the emotions I felt as I  read the poem. Tucked away was this little blurry picture of our house on First Street in Traer, Iowa. 606 First Street, to be exact. The person in the front yard is my sister, Beth. The shadowy person at the front door is my precious Gram. Interesting, today was the first time I’d looked at this photo closely since they’ve both passed away. I have to say, it gives me a very different type of perspective and a strong underlying melancholy.

This was the house I remember being at my Mom’s knee. These were the days she had time to tell me the stories of how she met my Dad and what happened when my sisters and I were born. This was the house of making homemade soups, sneaking those fresh-cut egg noodles, cutting up fresh strawberries, devouring watermelon, shucking sweet corn, surviving home perms, and trying to sit still for home manicures followed by Mom’s red fingernail polish. This house was the home full of special little things, good times, and happy memories.

As I wrote my story today, I felt the need for some words of comfort and wisdom from my newest counselor, Rabbi Levy. I think I found just the right thing to share.

I haven’t forgotten you, even though it’s been some time now since I’ve seen your face, touched your hand, heard your voice. You are with me all the time. I used to think you left me. I know better now. You come to me. Sometimes in fleeting moments, I feel your presence close by. But I still miss you. And nothing, no person, no joy, no accomplishment, no distraction, not even God, can fill the gaping hole your absence has left in my life. But mixed together with all my sadness, there is a great joy for having known you. I want to thank you for the time we shared, for the love you gave, for the wisdom you spread. Thank you for the magnificent moments and for the ordinary ones too. There was beauty in our simplicity. Holiness in our unspectacular days. And I will carry the lessons you taught me always. Your life has ended, but your light can never be extinguished. It continues to shine upon me even on the darkest nights and illuminates my way. I light this candle in your honor and in your memory. May God bless you as you have blessed me with love, with grace, and with peace. Amen.

Levy, Naomi. Talking to God: Personal Prayers for Times of Joy, Sadness, Struggle, and Celebration (p. 222). Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

I am…

B…simply being…

God bless.

~Peace~

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Valentine’s Day

This is my post from last Valentine’s Day. Hope you enjoy the re-run. Love you!

 

“Don’t wait until it’s too late to tell someone how much you love, how much you care.”
― Aulic Ice

Happy St. Valentine’s Day!

At one time I’m sure I knew the history of Valentine’s Day. This line of questioning is just one more example of wondering about things I once knew…

To refresh my memory I searched History.com to see what I could find.

I learned February has been celebrated as the month of romance for a long time; no one really knows the true origin of how February 14th became known as St. Valentine’s Day.

The Catholic Church recognizes three St. Valentines. All three were martyred.

Father Valentine was a priest who served The Church in the third century in Rome. Emperor Claudius II outlawed marriage for young men after declaring single men made better soldiers than married men with families. Valentine saw this edict as unjust and continued to marry young lovers. When this practice was discovered, Father Valentine was executed.

Another story talks about one other Valentine who may have been killed because he was helping Christians escape the brutality of the Roman prisons. This man was also put to death for his actions.

One more legend has it that another Valentine was in prison and sent the first “Valentine” greeting after falling in love with a young woman. This young lady visited him often in prison and may have been the daughter of his jailor. Before Valentine’s death, he sent her a letter signed “from your Valentine.” Interesting, isn’t it, that this phrase is still used today.

There are many stories and myths about the origins of Valentine’s Day. Some people believe it commemorates the anniversary of Valentine’s death or burial. Others feel St. Valentine’s Day is in the middle of February in an effort by The Catholic Church to “Christianize” the pagan celebration of Lupercalia, celebrated February 15th.

Lupercalia is a pagan fertility festival dedicated to Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture and the Roman founders, twins Romulus and Remus.

At the beginning of the festival, members of the Luperci, an order of Roman priests, gather at a sacred cave where Romulus and Remus were cared for by the she-wolf, Lupa. In this cave, the priests would sacrifice a goat, a symbol of fertility, and a dog, a symbol of purification. The hides of both were cut into strips, dipped into the sacrificial blood, and taken out into the streets.  These strips were used in a slapping motion on both women and crop fields, believing this practice would increase fertility.

Valentine’s Day is celebrated in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, France, and Australia. In Great Britain, Valentine’s Day was first celebrated by all classes in the 17th century. By the middle of the 18th century, it was common for friends and lovers to exchange small gifts or handwritten notes. By 1900, printed cards began to replace handwritten letters thanks to the improvements to printing technology.

Valentine’s Day cards in the United States probably began in the early 1700s. In 1840, Esther Howland, known as “Mother of the Valentine” began selling the first mass-produced cards. Ms. Howland made her creations out of real lace, ribbons, and colorful pictures called “scrap.”

In 1913 Hallmark Cards of Kansas City began producing Valentine’s Day cards. Today the American Greeting Card Association reports we send 1 billion Valentine’s Day cards, second only to Christmas cards, a holiday where we send 2.6 billion cards. 85% of those Valentine’s Day cards are purchased by women.

Such an interesting little bit of history to share. Thanks for learning with me today.

I hope your day was filled with love and happiness.

“Love is an afternoon of fishing when I’d sooner be at the ballet.
Love is eating burnt toast and lumpy graving with a big smile.
Love is hearing the words ‘You’re beautiful’ as I fail to squeeze into my fat jeans.
Love is refusing to bring up the past, even if doing so would be a slam dunk to prove your point.
Love is your hand wiping away my tears, trying to erase streaks of mascara.
Love is the warm hug that extinguishes an argument.
Love is a humbly uttered apology, even if not at fault.
Love is easy to recognize but so hard to define; however, I think it boils down to this…
Love is caring so much about the feelings of someone else, you sacrifice whatever it takes to help him or her feel better.
In other words, love is my heart being sensitive to yours.”
― Richelle E. Goodrich, Making Wish

I am…

B…simply being…

God bless us all.

~Peace~

 

 

 

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Telephonophobia

If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me.

~Song title by Jimmy Buffett

I learned a new word today–telephonophobia. In case it’s a new word for you, let me tell you that it is a reluctance or fear of making or taking calls.

Interesting.

Who knew the kid who once begged for more time on the phone would become someone who really dislikes making and, at times, answering the phone?

Lucky for me, one of my best friends is not afraid. She’s been patient with me while I work my way through conquering this phobia. I’ve learned I need to prepare for important calls–set time aside so I am not distracted, making it easy for me to listen and concentrate. Even though I don’t like calls, once I’m taking part in the conversation, I am thrilled to have the opportunity to connect and share.

I was rewarded in the best way over the weekend. I was able to have a long conversation with my dear friend and old neighbor, Mary Beth. Thanks, MB, for taking a huge chunk out of your day and spending it with me. It wasn’t as great as sitting across the kitchen table with a glass or two of wine–but not bad for the distance that call erased for us both.

After we ended our call, I was so thankful for the time and stories we shared. I am so blessed and I am very grateful.

I found the following quote that sums our friendship up very well.

A woman or man of value doesn’t love you because of what he or she wants you to be or do for them. He or she loves you because your combined souls understand one another, complements each other, and make sense above any other person in this world. You each share a part of their soul’s mirror and see each other’s light reflected in it clearly. You can easily speak from the heart and feel safe doing so. Both of you have been traveling a parallel road your entire life. Without each other’s presence, you feel like an old friend or family member was lost. It bothers you, not because you have given it too much meaning, but because God did. This is the type of person you don’t have to fight for because you can’t get rid of them and your heart doesn’t want them to leave anyways.”
― Shannon L. Alder

I am…

B…simply being…

God bless.

~Peace~

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Problem Solving

I may look like I’m not doing anything, but I’m quite busy problem-solving, being creative, or just thinking in my head with about 30 tabs open.

I was scattered today and becoming frustrated.

No matter what I did, I could not get my mind to focus on any one thing. I started at least four different projects, completely none. This is usually a sign I’m trying to do too much. My mind felt like a scratched record–an analogy that definitely shows my age–thoughts and ideas skipping all over the place. I knew I just needed to stop.

I needed to find a way to balance myself–both mentally and physically.

I grabbed my work gloves, gathered some tools, and headed out to do some work in the yard. It’s too early to do much, but I could pull some weeds and clean up some of the flower beds. After an hour of connecting to the good Earth and Mother Nature, I was feeling much better.

I read some of Rabbi Naomi Levy’s book today, Talking to God.  I’d like to share with you a nighttime prayer from this book. I hope you’ll find comfort in Rabbi Levy’s words. May this prayer help you release the burdens and worries of this past week and allow you to rest and recharge fully this weekend.

A Night Prayer

With the darkness comes Your light. Earth and sky blend into one, the heavens seem closer now, the day’s burdens farther somehow. Your presence is almost palpable. Watch over me, God, body, and soul. Stay beside me through the night. Protect me from harm. Banish my fears. Send me dreams that are sweet, fill my heart with Your peace, set my mind at ease. And, at first light, please, restore me to new life. Amen.

Levy, Naomi. Talking to God: Personal Prayers for Times of Joy, Sadness, Struggle, and Celebration (p. 35). Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

I am…

B…simply being…

May God bless us all and keep us safe.

~Peace~

My thanks to Chuck Hackenmiller for allowing me to use his photo published in the I grew up in Iowa Facebook page. Please note, NO re-use permitted without permission from the photographer, Mr. Chuck Hackenmiller, Boone, Iowa.   

 

 

 

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Time for Me

“Solitude is where I place my chaos to rest and awaken my inner peace.”
― Nikki Rowe

I had this entire day to myself.

I know I need my alone time. It is important for my peace of mind and sense of self. Even after just a few hours, I am beginning to feel back in control of my world, my mind more centered, and the weight of that damn extra baggage I lug around with me everywhere has lightened up a little.

It was an excellent day. There was no agenda. I just had to show up and let things roll.

“I lied and said I was busy.
I was busy;
but not in a way most people understand.

I was busy taking deeper breaths.
I was busy silencing irrational thoughts.
I was busy calming a racing heart.
I was busy telling myself I am okay.

Sometimes, this is my busy –
and I will not apologize for it.”
― Brittin Oakman

I am…

B…simply being…

God bless.

~Peace~

 

 

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The Gift of Friends

“No friendship is an accident. ”
― O. Henry, Heart of the West

Today is the birthday of three of my friends.

Happy Birthday, Jodi, Linda, and Jim.

Each of you came into my life at different times, each bringing your own special and unique gifts. I am so thankful.

As I take a walk down Memory Lane, the first person I’d meet is Linda. Linda and I were friends in grade school and junior high. She always had a smile and was full of energy. I loved her for her sense of adventure. She seemed fearless. An added bonus was the fact that my Dad knew her parents meaning I could actually go to her house after school. Linda lived in the country. For a town kid like me, that was so incredibly special because that meant I got to ride the bus. I never knew what to expect when we arrived at her house “out in the country.”

Now…I have to confess…as fearless as Linda was I was her direct counterbalance in this Universe. I was afraid of EVERYTHING.

Of course, I could not act like I was afraid so I had to devise all kinds of maneuvers to appear to be just fine with whatever it was we needed to get done as far as completing her chores. The most consistent thing to challenge my acting ability was the Houdini escape pig who always seemed to get out just before the school bus arrived. That pig was HUGE in my skinny little town kid eyes! It was our job to herd that big beast back home to the pen. I spent more time and energy running in some sort of zig-zag pattern making every effort to stay as far away from the pig as possible. I really really really disliked that hog. I was little, if any, help. We (meaning Linda) did eventually get him back where he belonged. Thank you, Linda Wendt Mossman, for being a friend then and now. Happy Birthday.

The next person I’d meet on the stroll today would be Jodi. She was one of the first people I met after moving to Waterloo from Traer. What a culture shock for me–moving from a small community school to a small city school. I was scared to death most of that first month of school. Jodi and I had many things in common–which neither one of us really shared until we were much older. I think kids are so open we felt our common bonds even without speaking about them. She never ever gave up on me and was successful in breaking me out of the house for different get-togethers. I was so grateful to her for never having to explain some of the craziness she saw going on at our house. Now, we laugh about some of those times. After we graduated we stayed close friends until I moved to Denver in the mid-eighties. I still miss those weekend nights when we would sit around her kitchen table and share stories from our week. When I count my blessings, Jodi McGrane Verbraken is definitely at the top of the list. Happy Birthday, my dear friend who has been by my side for so many life-changing things. I cherish you and love you.

The person furthest down memory lane is Jim. I met Jim and his wife, Jan, at a little RV park in one of the most beautiful places on this planet. Michael and I had our RV parked in Pleasant Valley, in the little town Howard, along the Arkansas River,  for many years. Jim and Jan and many others used this little spot along the river as a weekend getaway when we were all still working in Denver. I didn’t get a chance to really get to know Jim until we had retired. Both Jim and his wife, Jan, have the most contagious laughs on the planet along with being two of the most giving people on the planet. I am so grateful I have them as friends. Happy Birthday, Jim Finegan. I am looking forward to seeing you and Jan next week.

It’s not Carolyn’s birthday today but that is her needlepoint wall hanging I am using as my story photo. Carolyn and I worked together at St. Francis Hospital in Waterloo, Iowa, for many many years. I carried this little wall hanging with me for decades–some of the age shows around the edges. I hung it where I could see it every morning–its last place was just inside my closet door–Carolyn greeted me every day before I hit the road to work. When we sold our house and became full-time RVers, I had to let many things go. This was one. So, tearfully I took a picture of it, knowing it would now be well-preserved. Thank you, Carolyn Nederhoff for this wonderful gift that symbolized our friendship and helped get me through my working days without your giving spirit. I think of you often and send you my love today. I hope one of our old hospital gang will share this with you. Many hugs sent to you today and always.

“A spiritual connection with someone lasts forever, even when physical presence fades.”
― Danielle Barone

I am…

B…simply being…

I am blessed and I am grateful.

~Peace~

 

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This is Us

Then I thought, boy, isn’t that just typical? You wait and wait and wait for something, and then when it happens, you feel sad.”
― Sharon Creech, Absolutely Normal Chaos

Even though I told myself I would not do it until I had a few things crossed off my to-do list, I just watched the latest episode of This is Us. My to-do list is untouched.

As it began, I almost turned it off. I wasn’t sure I was ready.

Like we’ve all known for a long time, I knew Jack was going to die. I expected him to die in the fire. As the story unfolded, I was caught off guard by all the memories that came flooding into my mind. All those patients I’d seen in similar situations over the years–I was surprised by the flashback of faces and their tragic scenarios. I was not prepared for that.

I don’t know how these amazing writers could have thrown in anything more to trigger tears that would crescendo into sobs. From Kevin’s list of making amends to the fire turning the kitchen into an inferno to Jack escaping from the house with the dog. The images and stories this show ignites are beyond compare. I’d gone through a whole box of kleenex. I was sobbing and very grateful to be home alone. I am definitely a person who needs her space when it’s time for a good cry.

This show never fails to make me think, reminding me how fragile life really is and how I need to let go of the small stuff, staying aware and grateful.

“Thank you for the day and night,
for rainy spells and summer’s light.
Thank you for the skies of blue
and puffy clouds in grayish hue.
Thank you for the giggle fest
and midnight’s cloak to hasten rest.
Thank you for tomorrow new
and yesterday’s tomorrow too.
Thank you for “I’m glad we met”
and also for “we haven’t yet.”
Thank you for the peace of mind
a grateful soul doth always find.”
― Richelle E. Goodrich, Slaying Dragons

I am…

B…simply being…

God bless us all.

~Peace~

 

 

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Saddle Up

“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.”
― Jim Morrison

The things that scared me have often surprised me as much as they’ve nearly paralyzed me.

Learning to scuba dive was one of those times.

I loved to swim. I felt I was a good swimmer. My form was probably questionable but I never doubted my overall strength.

Learning how to scuba dive taught me a lot about myself. All was well until we put all our gear on and went under water for the first time.

When the time came to put my head underwater and take that first breath through our regulator–I panicked.

I could not get it through my head I really could breathe underwater. I had to get a handle on my fear and get it under control. Michael and I had made plans to go to Maui. Diving was a big part of it. In fact, we scheduled everything around me doing my final check out dive in there.

I was struggling and my fear was escalating. Honestly, I have no idea how I was able to pass all my pool testing and advance to the point where I qualified for the final open water exam. As we traveled to Maui, I prayed I’d be able to complete this final test. For me, it was a test in every possible way.

When we arrived in Maui we went to the dive shop and signed up for a couple of dives. My checkout dive would be done during our first dive. I met the dive master, John, who would be doing my open water exam. I was honest, telling him I was pretty nervous about making my first dive in the ocean. John listened to my concerns, shared some of his personal stories which helped put me at ease. By the time we left I was feeling much more ready and a little more self-confident.

That first dive was early the next morning. We were both ready to get this dive under our belts so we arrived bright and early.  As I gathered all my gear and began to set up for my dive, I looked around for John. Michael was watching me carefully knowing I was nervous. When he noticed John was not around, he went to get an update. The captain of the boat told us John had a family emergency so he would not be there. My heart sank. My nerves kicked into high gear. The new dive master would be over soon to meet us, the captain said. We just needed to hold tight.

As I watched the crew load the boat, I heard someone call my name. I turned to find a woman about my height holding out her hand. I am sure my mouth had fallen open as she introduced herself to me. There, standing in front of me, was a person who looked EXACTLY like my ninth grade swimming instructor, Miss Katzer.

Miss Katzer was quite a character–to say the very least. She was a drill sergeant–a wiry woman with a head full of wild dishwater blonde hair who rarely talked in a normal tone of voice. Everything was screamed out. She expected you to listen–no talking–NO GUM CHEWING. If she saw you chewing gum, she’d pull out the coffee can she always seemed to have at her fingertips and yell for you to spit it out into the can.

Miss Katzer was also known for an injury she had which resulted in her losing toes on one of her feet–a feature she pointed out often as she warned us about the dangers of water skiing.

Why is any of this important?

This dive master who would be doing my check out dive looked so much like Miss Katzer I immediately looked down at her feet to see if she was missing toes. Even though her feet were intact, I was immediately at ease. I knew I would be able to complete my dive–and I did. We completed that day of diving and did several other dives while we were there.

When we returned home and went back to work, I discovered my outlook on many of the problems I’d had at work had changed. My level of anxiety was markedly decreased. What made me nervous just a couple of weeks ago no longer had any power over me. Conquering this mega fear created a landslide of changes in the rest of my life. I knew without a doubt I no longer had anything to fear.

“Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.”
― John Wayne

I am…

B…simply being…

God bless us all as we head out to our weekend.

“You have peace,” the old woman said, “when you make it with yourself.”
― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

 

 

 

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February 1

“When the groundhog casts his shadow
And the small birds sing
And the pussy willows happen
And the sun shines warm
And when the peepers peep
Then it is Spring”
― Margaret Wise Brown

Even though I know there is a lot of Winter left, I love the first day of February.

Growing up in Iowa, I understand winters can be long and hard. February is the time I begin to believe Spring really will come. It’s hard to keep the faith when you battle wind, snow, and below zero temperatures day after day for what feels like months.

I was not foolish enough to believe that those cold days were over. But, with one quick twist of just one calendar page, my belief in the coming spring renewed.

Even though I am now in a much milder climate, I am still excited to see the subtle changes happening around me. There’s something about having something to look forward to after the challenges and the isolation of winter. I am thankful for my positive outlook, realizing there are many who struggle with seasonal depression.

Depression is a serious problem any time of the year for those of us who hesitate to ask for help. I’ve found a way to work around this problem by checking up on my friends more closely. The gift of giving them some of my time helps me as much, if not more than it helps them. Super bonus–all this happens without having to ask for anything!

I’ve noticed as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become very protective of my time. When someone gives me the gift of their time, it is precious to me.

Make an investment of your time today–call and reach out to someone you love. Share a little of yourself while telling them how important they are to you.

It’s another win-win deal. You gotta love that.

“we must take care of our families wherever we find them.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert

I am…

B…simply being…

God bless.

Peace

“You have peace,” the old woman said, “when you make it with yourself.”
― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

 

 

 

 

 

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In Search Of…

“Often, it’s not about becoming a new person, but becoming the person you were meant to be, and already are, but don’t know how to be.”
― Heath L. Buckmaster, Box of Hair: A Fairy Tale

Have you ever had the feeling there is something you need to do but you have no idea what that thing is or how to go about finding it?

That feeling has been a very strong force for me since I began sharing my stories.

As I’ve searched, read, and eventually written, I’ve come upon other quotes or articles that tickle areas in my memory where things are sitting slightly off-kilter. Those thoughts or memories have been jostled around and rearranged over the years. Like an unsteady atom, their imbalance creates a restlessness in me. I’m learning I need order in my life, so search for ways to stabilize myself. I need that internal balance so I can safely navigate my journey of self-discovery.

I am excited to share it–even with that twinge of fear elbowing its way into the arena. Often, like it did today, trailing closely behind those fearful thoughts comes a surprising bit of encouragement. Today, that quick nod came by way of this quote:

“Don’t be afraid of your fears. They’re not there to scare you. They’re there to let you know that something is worth it.”
― C. JoyBell C. 

Nice to get a confirmation slip letting me know I’m on the right course.

“I feel like, God expects me to be human. I feel like, God likes me just the way I am: broken and empty and bruised. I feel like, God doesn’t look at me and wish that I were something else, because He likes me just this way. I feel like, God doesn’t want me to close my eyes and pray for Him to make me holy or for Him to make me pure; because He made me human. I feel like, God already knows I’m human…it is I who needs to learn that.”
― C. JoyBell C.

I am…

B…simply being…

May God bless us all.

Peace

“Peace comes from within.  Do not seek it without.”
― Gautama Buddha